I've figured out a few things about myself that I think are more than a litte disturbing, and things are going to have to change.
A lot of people like to give their opinions about my life, and collectively they're not good. Not to say that they're not good opinions, they're just negative. According to the variety of people in my life, I'm doing a terrible job of living! But thats fine, I'm sure I am. But this is about some personal stuff I find disturbing.
First lets talk about the horrible amount of weight I've gained in the past three years. Holy shit. I don't have an exact number, but it has to be around 20-30 pounds, no joke. That is SICK
. It needs to stop, so if you love me and you're reading this, get me running shoes for christmas.
Second is my relationship. Now, this is an area where everyone's negative opinions come in. Well placed, seeing as I'm not in whats commonly called a 'healthy relationship', but when I think about it and I boil it down and get rid of the extra shit, when it's concentrated, my being with TJ really does make me happy. I do love him a lot. And I know we'd have a great future if we both worked at it. But the thing is, and this is where it gets scary, I don't think either of us is ready to work for it. I admit, I have a sense of entitlement because of the shit I went through as a child. It wasn't terrible, it just required a lot of work from my little self, so I feel like I've done enough of that for a while. TJ is very very smart and wants EVERYTHING but he needs to learn he can't have it all. He needs to learn what priorities are.
But when you don't boil it down and you look at everything; he cheated on me a few times, we're borderline homeless right now, we spend ALL of our time together, the fact that I feel like I need to take care of him. Thats when it gets to be unhealthy. But I don't know what to do about all that stuff, so I just let it be. Thats one of the things that has to change.
Third, and this ties in with the first and a smidgeon of the second. My self esteem, which is nearly non-existant. Let me let you in on what I think when I look at myself. I'm standing in front of a mirror so you can get the full experience. So fat, what the fuck happened? My face looks so sad and tired. (Pulling on the skin under my eyes) Ugh, you look like a fifty year old woman with black eyes. Stop eating so much, you fat fat pig! God, no wonder TJ did what he did, can you blame him?
Yeah. But thats what I think all the time. Especially when (and Vicki, CG, even TJ I don't think you want to read past here because it's probably something you don't want to read/think/hear about)( Read moreCollapse )
The other things are just small like how I don't write anymore, or just wonder. I used to listen to music and just wonder about things, nothing in specific, just stuff. I don't do that anymore, I worry. And stress. And work.
I'm not someone I want to be. I want to be happy, in a home, healthy. Very simple things. I'm not asking much, but they seem to be the things up on the tallest shelf and I can't fucking reach them, and it's so aggravating that I just cry. Thats another thing. Sometimes everything just piles up and I just start to cry. And it comes without warning, like TJ will tell me his Mother asked when we're going to have a place and I'll just cry, big sobs, for like 10 minutes.
I'm not happy. But I'm doing better than I was when all this started and everything went to shit. I was a second away from checking into a hospital for a week. I was thinking of passive ways I could kill myself, and I was hurting myself, and I wouldn't sleep well at night and had nightmares. I even tried starving myself for a day or two, I would eat and then immediately vomit. TJ doesn't know anything about that one. But I'm doing better. I'm not depressed anymore, I'm more annoyed now. I don't have those thoughts anymore, I don't hurt myself.