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22 November 2020 @ 03:34 pm

No rules, really. Just comment, telling me a little about yourself :D

Day-O (Banana Boat Song)(Harry - Beetlejuice
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Chowder is on!
27 November 2011 @ 10:14 pm
I've figured out a few things about myself that I think are more than a litte disturbing, and things are going to have to change.

A lot of people like to give their opinions about my life, and collectively they're not good. Not to say that they're not good opinions, they're just negative. According to the variety of people in my life, I'm doing a terrible job of living! But thats fine, I'm sure I am. But this is about some personal stuff I find disturbing.

First lets talk about the horrible amount of weight I've gained in the past three years. Holy shit. I don't have an exact number, but it has to be around 20-30 pounds, no joke. That is SICK. It needs to stop, so if you love me and you're reading this, get me running shoes for christmas.

Second is my relationship. Now, this is an area where everyone's negative opinions come in. Well placed, seeing as I'm not in whats commonly called a 'healthy relationship', but when I think about it and I boil it down and get rid of the extra shit, when it's concentrated, my being with TJ really does make me happy. I do love him a lot. And I know we'd have a great future if we both worked at it. But the thing is, and this is where it gets scary, I don't think either of us is ready to work for it. I admit, I have a sense of entitlement because of the shit I went through as a child. It wasn't terrible, it just required a lot of work from my little self, so I feel like I've done enough of that for a while. TJ is very very smart and wants EVERYTHING but he needs to learn he can't have it all. He needs to learn what priorities are.

But when you don't boil it down and you look at everything; he cheated on me a few times, we're borderline homeless right now, we spend ALL of our time together, the fact that I feel like I need to take care of him. Thats when it gets to be unhealthy. But I don't know what to do about all that stuff, so I just let it be. Thats one of the things that has to change.

Third, and this ties in with the first and a smidgeon of the second. My self esteem, which is nearly non-existant. Let me let you in on what I think when I look at myself. I'm standing in front of a mirror so you can get the full experience. So fat, what the fuck happened? My face looks so sad and tired. (Pulling on the skin under my eyes) Ugh, you look like a fifty year old woman with black eyes. Stop eating so much, you fat fat pig! God, no wonder TJ did what he did, can you blame him?

Yeah. But thats what I think all the time. Especially when (and Vicki, CG, even TJ I don't think you want to read past here because it's probably something you don't want to read/think/hear about)Read moreCollapse )

The other things are just small like how I don't write anymore, or just wonder. I used to listen to music and just wonder about things, nothing in specific, just stuff. I don't do that anymore, I worry. And stress. And work.

I'm not someone I want to be. I want to be happy, in a home, healthy. Very simple things. I'm not asking much, but they seem to be the things up on the tallest shelf and I can't fucking reach them, and it's so aggravating that I just cry. Thats another thing. Sometimes everything just piles up and I just start to cry. And it comes without warning, like TJ will tell me his Mother asked when we're going to have a place and I'll just cry, big sobs, for like 10 minutes.

I'm not happy. But I'm doing better than I was when all this started and everything went to shit. I was a second away from checking into a hospital for a week. I was thinking of passive ways I could kill myself, and I was hurting myself, and I wouldn't sleep well at night and had nightmares. I even tried starving myself for a day or two, I would eat and then immediately vomit. TJ doesn't know anything about that one. But I'm doing better. I'm not depressed anymore, I'm more annoyed now. I don't have those thoughts anymore, I don't hurt myself.
01 November 2010 @ 01:28 am
So I've got 367/50,000 so far for NaNoWriMo. I've decided I'm actually going through with it to brighten up my otherwise dreary and depressing life xD

Shooting for the 1667 goal for today, got my novel in google documents and in write room on the mac. Got my note pad within reach to write down ideas at work. I'm trying to find a calendar to hang above my desk at work, but I've yet to find one I like!

Well, I'm off to bed. Got work until 5:30 tomorrow, then I'm off to see Dad.

Hope everyone had a safe and happy Halloween!!!
27 July 2010 @ 02:41 pm

Seriously thinking about starting over in the Internet world

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

24 July 2010 @ 12:29 am

Know what I wish? I wish I was messaged by people who didn't only want something. I wish I could just get one message that was "Hey, what are you up to, because we're going here and want you to come with". You know, like the phone calls I used to get back in the day. But I guess it's all my fault because I spent most of my time with someone else and offended people, for which I apologized and tried to make up for.

How can I hang out with people if they don't tell me what they're doing, or even better, when I want to do something, it's always that they're busy. Honestly, I don't see the point in waiting anymore. It's becoming more than obvious that I'm not wanted around anymore, and that people are screwing me over with the same shit that's happened before.

I want nothing more than to be close again like we were, but I'm not the one stopping that from happening. And I'm sick of being told otherwise.

I'm so sick of hearing about how you "went here and had an awesome time with awesome people". But at the same time being told that you were busy and don't have anything going on.

Whatever. Maybe it's not even worth saying all of this. It's most likely going to be thrown in my face. That's if anyone cares and actually looks at this anymore.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

24 February 2010 @ 11:23 pm
I like butts.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
06 October 2009 @ 05:49 pm
The keyboard in my office is terribly loud x.x

I'm supposed to get off at 7 today, but I'll be stuck here until Dad can get me. He's stuck on the side of the expressway for some reason. Probably ran out of gas again.

I'm so bored. I spent the last hour and change copying an entire 3" binder full of forms. The whole thing. Why? I don't know. I hate my job.

I don't know of I'm going up to the school tomorrow, I can't afford to take the bus anymore x.x and I have no clean clothes anymore. Plus I spend most of the day by myself while everyone is in class anyway. I dunno. I might go, it depends on what I get done tonight I suppose.

Well, since this keyboard is so fucking loud, and a client just walked in, I have to be going